Slintelegraph

Unsolicited Sales Advice To Make Every Salesperson’s Blood Boil

There are two types of people in this world—people that do, and people that give advice about doing. And sales just happens to be one of those professions that people LOVE giving advice about. 

If you’re a salesperson, you might often have had close friends or family members come up to you and offer sales advice, despite never having sold so much as a pencil their entire life. 

Few things in life are as amusing as the confidence of an armchair expert who offers to teach you how to do your job.

So I did some digging and compiled seven such pieces of unsolicited sales advice that’ll have steam coming out your ears. Let’s dive right in!

Unsolicited Sales Advice To Make Every Salesperson’s Blood Boil

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1. “Having trouble dealing with rejection? Get used to it!”

Of course, if you’re a salesperson, you’ll have to strip down to your most emotionless state of mind. Nothing neurologically impossible about it at all. No emotions means no depression, no burnout, no anxiety, and no stress. Imagine how much you’ll save in mental healthcare costs!

Because of course, having emotions = failure. 

Forget you’re a human being worthy of respect. And understand that you shouldn’t be hurt at the slightest even if your prospect crosses all boundaries, cusses at you, and calls you an incompetent fool.

2. “Trust Your Gut.”

So what if you haven’t checked out their attributes? You have a feeling they’re gonna love you and that’s all that matters. Who cares about their lead score? Who cares if they’re from a small business with neither the budget nor any use for your product? Just go for it!

You can’t always rely on science and machine learning algorithms to do your job. Even if they make life easier. Even if your CRM is cluttered with thousands of disorganized leads and you have no idea who to prospect.

Trust no man, trust no science. The only person you can trust in this cruel, cold, competitive world is yourself. And of course, your quartz crystal!

3. “Have a pizza. It’ll bring those endorphins out.”

Unsolicited Sales Advice: “Have a pizza. It’ll bring those endorphins out.”

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Not a lot of companies have vibrant, fun work environments. So you just KNOW it’s a great place to be when they have pizza parties! Unhealthy CRMs with decayed data stressing you out? Have a pizza!

You may be struggling under the weight of unrealistic quotas. You may be on the verge of a complete burnout. But let’s just focus on how fun it is to be part of a “family”. 

But what if the pizza party and fun work culture aren’t working out for you? No worries! Here’s your 70th company-branded coffee mug that you can neither use nor gift to anybody. That should do the trick!

4. “Sales isn’t really all that hard. You just have to get people to like you.”

Unsolicited Sales Advice: "Sales isn’t really all that hard. You just have to get people to like you.”

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Smile. 

Really, that’s it! 

If you have the basic innate human ability to smile, you’re a salesperson. Because sales is all about meeting new people, being talkative, and getting people to like you.

So smile. Meet new people. Talk a lot. Be fun. Show up to each presentation with a wide grin and some donuts as a symbol of goodwill. Because knowing your product and demonstrating its value to your prospect isn’t so important as knowing how to smile and charm your prospects with small talk.

You’ll be closing deals in no time. Trust me. 🙂

5. “Take a deep breath.”

Unsolicited Sales Advice: "Take a deep breath."

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Take a deep breath and move on. Because mindfulness is trending these days. Spread your yoga mat on the floor next to your desk. If you work from the office, ask co-workers to make way. Sit cross-legged, and begin meditating. Now, relax.

Did that one prospect you were relying on to meet your quota just disappear from radar? Take a deep breath.

Your manager just summoned you for a chat in their office to discuss your poor performance? No biggie. Take a deep breath.

A prospect just called you a douchebag for not lowering your quote despite you making every effort to genuinely help them out? You’re fine. Take a deep breath.

You’re about to lose your job? You know the drill.

6. “Sales is easy. Just keep on connecting till you land on a goldmine.”

Wanna know the secret to cracking sales? Send one hundred random Linkedin connection requests a day. Because sales is obviously a numbers game. The more people you connect with, the more opportunities.

At least one of those one hundred daily connections will eventually become a customer, right? If that doesn’t work, you could spam the masses. Send emails in bulk. Post links to your landing pages in the comments sections of random Linkedin groups. There’s no end to the opportunities!

7. “Keep on trying. Be persistent. Never give up!”

It doesn’t matter if your lead is from a totally different industry. It doesn’t matter if they’re an intern. It doesn’t matter if it’s a local convenience store with no real use for your software product. It doesn’t matter if they’ve made it clear they have no plans to switch from your competitor to you. If you try hard enough, they’ll have to buy. The universe will manifest it for you.

Follow up non-stop. It could take days, weeks, months, or even years of follow-up emails. But you’ll woo them like a prince whose beloved, unknown to him, is long married to the enemy king (a.k.a. your competitor).

Conclusion

In hindsight, these oracles want the best for you and that’s why they’re offering you some of their much-coveted advice, however useless it may be. Nonetheless, it requires a tremendous reserve of patience to listen to this nonsense without giving away your indignation.

Tomorrow, you could be on the verge of losing it and somebody might advise you to take a deep breath. So may you have the strength to suppress the urge to hurl your computer at them and indeed, take a deep breath instead.

All you need is to keep trying, keep smiling and keep taking deep breaths. And yeah, the Slintel chrome extension; you’ll need that too (possibly the option that will help you the most).

Roshan Nair

Roshan Nair

Content Marketing today, caffeine relapse tomorrow. Hope to tell a great story one day. I consume satire and horror in the meantime... Say, would you watch it if I made a satirical horror movie?

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